Every single ounce of hurt that I feel always comes back to you.
Every single time someone screws me over or lies to me, your face pops into my head. and I'm sick of it. Life was so amazing.... summer 09.

Walking around our property with you and Marcus. everybody was laughing. everyone was joking. and now we can't go back to that. and because of the way you guys left, we are all forever scarred. I feel for Sonja now more than ever. I always knew she was in great pain and I always felt so bad. for her and the boys. Because although I had started to get to know Marcus really well those last few months, I still wasn't very close to him. yet, I was still in a lot of pain when he died, so I could only imagine how his immediate family felt. but they're all strong and they're all tough, and they are learning to deal with it just fine. But that night when i got that phone call, I got a small taste of what Sonja felt. and when I say small, i mean a speck. a grain of salt compared to an entire salt shaker, but still. I finally began to slightly understand it. and it hurt. so much.

and now every time something goes wrong, ANYTHING, i remember your face. Your blue eyes and your tattoos. your haircut. your arms. your scars. your voice. everything you said to me. that last conversation we had. the things i said to you and the things you said to me.... and it hurts.

and i remember the conversation we had had just a week before. talking about death. about things that could happened and that have happened. you gave me a list of reasons why you really hated the world sometimes and i gave you mine. they were all legit reasons as to why we SHOULD hate the world, but were they really bad enough that you could just leave ? for every reason you gave me, i could have found 3 reasons why you should have loved life.
were my family and i really not good enough to and for you ? we helped you out all the time. with a lot of stuff. we had your back even when you were a dick to me.

the worst part is that i let you change me. i let you turn me into one of those girls i always made fun of. i knew what you were doing, and i still stuck around. and i can't change that, no matter how much i try.

too many memories. too much takes me back. i hate this.

SCREW IT.

Alright, time to rant a little...

Turns out Cody isn't the only who can tell a decent lie and get away with it. Am I the most gullible person in the world or what ?

Time to learn. I've realized that I need to stop giving so much. I fully throw myself into these stupid situations, and I give and give, and I'm there when the other person truly doesn't deserve it. but I still do it. And I need to stop.

I seriously feel bad for the next person who tries to create some type of relationship with me. As my boston friend says, it's time to "be hard" .. because I'm sick of this. It's bullshit. All kinds of people are walking all over me, and it's time for that to stop.

Blahhh. Done ranting.

I'm fully aware that no one reads my blog, and that I'm just ranting to myself. OH WELL. Maybe that's the safest thing. I can only think of a handful of people that would actually care enough to want to creep on my blog, but I think only half of them are capable of finding it.

"emotionally damaged"

that's what i was called a few weeks ago. how true is it ?

i'd prefer the term "temporarily emotionally altered" but whatever.
i think i move too fast. from person to person and thing to thing.

but emotionally damaged ? i don't know. i know that there are people who go through way more than what i've been through.

but sometimes it still swallows me whole. and when it does that, i'm never prepared.
people say a lot of things to me. things that would most likely offend your average 18yro girl.
but the only thing that people can say that truly affects me/my emotions is something about him.

he screwed me up and over. completely. and yet, i still defend him ?
i never know how i feel anymore. i've always had trouble figuring out who i am, but now i really have no clue. and i'm not sure how to find myself.

blahh. i hate giving him this much credit. he doesn't deserve it.

anyway, update on life....

i've screwed up everything with rudy. go figure. we're still friends, but i don't know what i want (go figure) and he has a really hard time being JUST FRIENDS with me. doesn't like the idea much. and neither do i, but i don't really want to be in a relationship with him. which makes me feel awful. i've been in his shoes, i know his pain and i know i could stop it, but i also can't put myself back into the situation and be only 50% involved. it wouldn't be fair to him. so all around, this is a shitty situation. and i feel horrible, because for the first time i am actually putting myself before a guy. and for the first time, the guy is actually a good one. somebody who doesn't deserve this. rudy, i truly wish i could fix everything and make us both happy. but i'm really not sure how to do that right now. i'm so sorry for all of the pain i've caused you. you deserve someone better than i. fersure. i do love you though, i just need to sort out my head. i know you'll never ever read this, but i just feel the need to put it out there. i know i'm way too stubborn, way too jealous, way too much of a bitch sometimes, way too harsh, way too unfair, etc. i can't help it. i'm discovering that the wall i have put up is a permanent one for now. at least until i start learning about myself. who i am and what i want.

been working a lot. don't have too many days off in fact. the only time i'm really home now is to sleep. then get up and go to work, then come home and sleep. haven't spent much time with the family and i rarely get to eat dinner with them anymore. so it kinda pisses me off when i have a day off and nobody wants to really do anything with me.

the only person i really know here is gone. his name is cody, coincidentally enough, and he went back to college. four hours away.

i really don't know what else to say. i hate cody for what hes done to me. hes been gone for almost 8 months and he is still constantly effecting what i do. what i say. what i screw up. everything. ugh. it still hurts i guess. just wounds that haven't yet healed.

peace..

Hmmm. Been almost a month since I've posted on here. Awesome.

This will actually probably be the last post. Maybe not, but most likely. I just reread a couple of the posts and I realized how extremely repetitive I am. It's pretty annoying, actually...

I've never been too sure of what I believe. To this day, I still am not. I remember thinking at some point that there actually MIGHT BE a god and a heaven and a hell. And then after all of the family deaths right on top of each other, I decided that there was no way in hell that all of that stuff existed. Now I'm just whatever about it all.

But if for some reason there IS a heaven+hell, and the people who have died can actually hear us.. then there's something I'd like to say...

Thank you Cody. For showing me how I don't deserve to be treated, and for sending me my heart back to give to someone who truly deserves it..

Crazy random...

I miss him. I've been trying so hard to remember what it felt like to hug him, or touch his skin. I can't. It's been over five months since I've gotten to hug him. Or kiss him or touch him or dance with him or ride around with him. Anything and everything. It's been way too damn long. Ugh..

Not much to say really. Been a shitty day so far, and it's only 2:01. Ready to get out of this town though, that's for sure. I like it better than PC, but it's getting old quick. I leave in a little under two weeks now, so it's okay.

I've met some pretty awesome people up here. My 7 year old next door neighbor, he's adorable. And the people I work with.. they're pretty awesome too. I love them. Except for one huge douchebag, but who cares. Two more weeks and then I won't ever have to see or worry about him again, and I'm good with that.

There are a few things I'll miss when I leave here though. Gotta spend a week at home before I can move into the new place, and I'm slightly on edge about that. Too many damn memories at that place. Not just at my house, but all over town. I'm sure it'll be okay though....

I miss him. It's been a little over 5 months, yet somehow it still feels unreal sometimes..
No matter what happens or who I get close to or what I do.. I still miss him.

I'll be 18 in less than a month. He should be here for that. He was here for my 17th, and my 16th even though we were only friends then. Blah. He should have been here for graduation too though. And the birth of Brookes baby. And to see Daniel get his learners. He missed/is missing/is going to miss so much. It's still so crazy to me how someone can just be here on a Wednesday morning. Walking, talking, laughing, breathing, eating, moving, annoying the hell out of people, running their mouth, etc. And then Wednesday night, they're just gone. Forever.

I don't really know what else to say. It just seems like everytime I cry, no matter what the reason, I always find myself crying for Cody. Ugh. I miss last year.
-LIVE FREE ♡

yeah...

I feel better. I honestly feel better than I've felt in a verrry long time.
Cody Humble, I hope that while you were in this world, you knew how much of a good friend Hunter was to you. I really hope you realized that, because he was better to you than any of your other friends. I'm not kidding...
You're not here and he still protects you....

I got all the questions answered that I really wanted to ask. He helped me with that. And I feel better. The answer as to why you're gone ? Nobody will ever really know what your exact reasoning was, but I'm as closer to knowing the entire reason than anybody else is I guess. And that's good enough for me.

I miss him and I always will. I spent a decent amount of time with him before everything happened, and I fell head over heels crazy in love with the Original Cody James Humble. I can't even begin to describe how I felt about him. No matter how mad he made me, I still always wanted to be around him, and near him, and listen to him talk and laugh and joke around etc.

And that's the Cody that will always be in my head and heart. Not the Cody I knew for the last couple of months. Because that wasn't really him. The things you did/said to me the last two months of 2010 were f***ed up.

But I've figured out how to handle it all I think. I'm not going to be mad at you. I should be, but I don't want to be. I want to remember you how you were in August of 2010. I was in that wreck and you showed up at the ER, came over to me, gave me a HUGE hug and then bawled your eyes out. Then you kissed me on my head and held my hand while they stuck a freakin needle into my skin, telling me stories about your wrecks and tried to top mine, haha. I remember when Dad left the room to call Mario and Mom was taken for Xrays and the nurse started to close the curtain and you jumped onto the side I was on and wouldn't leave and helped the nurse out, lol. :) That' the C I'll remember. The one that came to say bye to me when I went outta town and left and came back THREE times just to hug me again. The one who laughed your ass off while you watched Marmaduke. Who got a chain stuck in the tree and said BABY SHUT UP!
The one who danced around my living room to the Cupid Shuffle with mom and Hannah. The one who hit Josh in the face with ice because he called me a dumbass.

I heard about the fight you got into at the beginning of the year. The one you told me about that I didn't really think happened, haha. But I'm proud of you for it :)
I forgive you. I'm not going to stay mad. You did some inexcusable things, but you also did WAY more things that were actually good. And right. And I thank you for that. I'm so thankful for the two years of memories. For all the times you made me sooo damn happy. For all the times you hugged me and wiped my tears and danced with me and sang to me. For all the times you stuck up for me when I didn't really need it. For the times you talked me out of stupid things. For the time you helped me and my family out. For the way you did anything you possibly could just to cheer me up. For the way you would hug me when I was crying. For everything that you said to me that was really just straight from your heart. You did a lot of right things for a very long time, and that's all I want to remember.

I love you aways.

-LIVE FREE ♡

Well...

Found out some truth today from the one friend of yours I ever actually liked and felt like I could trust.
Not really TRUTH, per se, but I got some of my questions answered. And I have a REALLY good feeling that I'm going to get a few more questions answered eventually. And I hope that'll help to let go.

You made such a stupid choice, and I know I should be so mad at you for what you did before, and then for how selfish of a decision you made.
But I can't. I've tried so hard. I want to be mad. Because I know I should.

But my willpower is a little bit exhausted right now. Or maybe I don't have any.
I know I sure as hell should have left in November. But I didn't.
Why ?

I was your family. And I knew it. I meant a lot to you. And I knew it.
And the biggest reason.... I was too attached to the old you, and I thought I could bring him back.
I should have known better when you came to me asking me help. This was much MUCH bigger than anything else. I should have known I couldn't have fixed it on my own. Or the preacher or the stupid neighbor.

I don't even know if Marcus could have fixed this for you. I don't know. I could be wrong.

I want to go home. But home doesn't feel right anymore. Doesn't feel like home. And I like it here, but this isn't home either.
And that's your fault too. Maybe I don't need to find out the answers to my other questions. I know not all of them will actually get answers, some of the answers left with you.

I don't know how I want to feel about this. I don't know if I WANT to be mad. I've been thinking all day about the time you and Daniel and I dyed the tip of Faith's tail. That day was REALLY great. And then things got bad again. But then I remember the time you and Hannah and I made the chicken, a week before you left, and that day was also really good.
It started out bad, we didn't fight, but we both cried and had to talk seriously. And then it was completely chill. You did EVERYTHING to cheer me up, and the day ended great. And when you left, you hugged me and kissed me and you were so sweet.
The last conversation we had might not have been the best, but the last time I saw you, that was good.

I'm done feeling this way. It's way overdue. And maybe not tomorrow or the next day... but I'm eventually going to tuff up again, and grow up, and get my life back on track. God knows I need to.

I do miss you though. I miss you so much it hurts. And I still cry. For you and over you.

rest easy baby.
I love you.

-LIVE FREE ♡

I MISS YOU!

I read this story once about a guy who raped his daughter repeatedly, abused her AND the children, and lived to be 80 something years old.
Thomas wasn't a good man, and he lived to be pretty old too.
Why ?
Marcus died at age 52. He may have occasionally screwed up when he was younger, because who didn't do stupid stuff as a kid ? but he was a really good man. Always taking care of his family, always smiling, always joking around and helping people.
Cody was 19 years old. Another 5 months and he would have been 20.
I always thought 52 was way too young to die, so 19 was especially too young to go.

You went through this with Marcus. You knew how it felt, and then you put a couple hundred people through it.
In a way, I don't understand how you could do this. But then reality hits.
All of your stupid friends are saying that since I was your girlfriend, I should have been able to stop it. Well, if they were good friends, wouldn't they have been able to stop it too ?
But whatever.

This is going to be short. I just wanted to whine for a minute.
This stupid girl actually told me this morning to quit pouting and get over it.
But I don't care. She's just a kid, and the biggest decision she's ever had to make is which color lipgloss to wear that day.

Cody, I love you so much. I miss you like crazy. I remember trying to make a cake that time, you wanted to beat the batter. I told you I would show you how to do it, and you said no, you could do it. I said "Okay, but dont-" And you said "I know, don't lift the beats up."
I plugged it in, turned it on, and you lifted the beaters up. THEN, made me clean up the mess.
I remember the time you came to pick Daniel and I up, and we were all getting in the truck and Jeremy said "Cody, you're a moron"
Daniel hadn't met Jeremy before that day, and he was practically sitting on his lap, haha.
And then halfway to Ararat, "Cody, we've gotta go back, my jackets gone."
I remember the time I made you, Daniel and Hannah all carry a ton of blankets out on the porch and lay there with me and watch the stars. It was around 9 at night and it was, ohh, maybe 35 degrees. You always did suck at handling the cold.
I remember the time you and Daniel and I were laying in the tent and you were swinging the flash light on the string and it clocked me in the head.

I remember Thanksgiving 2009. You had to take Joey to see his girl and you stayed with us an hour longer than you were supposed to. So, I walked you guys out to the truck and you started playing Whatever You Like. You called me as soon as you got to the bottom of the driveway and you talked to me until you were about to lose service. Then you said you wanted another hug and came ALL the way back up and hugged me twice :)

Christmas in 2009. You were trying to hold my hand without Leith seeing, and I was all paranoid :P And you and Daniel were deciding who got Pat and who got Frona.
I remember on Easter, I was telling David over and over again to get in between Jordan and Daniel. He wouldn't though, and I said "CODY!!!!!!!!!" and you knew better, so you went over to them. And David and Leith and I were all picking on you and you turned SO red, it was hilarious.

I remembering going out with You, Dano, Amy, David and Hunter, so you boys could get tattoos. You and Hunter were trying to shoot pool but I kept distracting you ;p
And you bought me roses that day :) And that was the night we let Hunter finish your drink because it was spitty, haha.
Nobody could ever understand us. Nobody ever will.
And I always liked it that way.
I remember all the conversations we would have from across the room without saying a single word. I think some people thought we were crazy... lol

I remember the first serious conversation we always had. For the first millions of times we talked, I kept turning everything into a joke and picking on you and such. But you called me night and you had been fighting with your Dad, so we sat there for four hours and talked about life.
I remember the first time I hugged you.. the morning you made me come see you while you were at my Grandmas, then you left and I made you come back in and hug me, since you hugged Grandma. And later that day, you came back up to bring me ice cream and you asked me a hug again. Marcus said "Naw, you don't have to hug him if you don't want, don't worry about it, nahhh" and we both laughed.
I remember the first time I kissed you. At Grandmas, in her driveway. A long time before we got together. Haha, it was actually thanks to Cookie. And then we argued for a loooong time over who kissed who, siince SOMEBODY was too nervous. I remember watching you be all jumpy and nervous and you kept blushing. I was amazed to see that side of you, but I mean... I had that effect on people. :)

I have so many memories of you. They make me smile to think about, but it also hurts to remember them.

I remember the day you decided it was time to grow up and fix things.
We were sitting on the hood of the truck, it was windy and freezing and neither of us had hoodies on. I told you six months. I would have been more than happy to leave stupid PC with you. And you needed it. I said six months and I would help, and you said YES. You agreed ! You then proceeded to tell me that things WOULD get better, YOU were slowly getting better, etc.
and I believed you....

I remember the last time I saw you.
You spent all day with me. Made dinner with Hannah and I and tried to poison us by undercooking the chicken, haha. You and I laid on the couch eating gummy worms.
Then we got up and danced allll around and sang a lot.
I remember walking you to the truck that night.. You asked if you could come up to say bye the day I went outta town again. You gave me a huge hug and kissed me on my head and said you were so sorry for the all stuff you'd put me through, and then you said
"I love you Tyler, I really do. I'm going to show you how much"
Then you promised to call me when you got home, and you got in the truck.
I started to go back up the sidewalk and you got out and came back over and hugged me again and said thank you. Then you kissed me and pinched my arm, and left.

I'm sure that when a person who doesn't know me comes across this blog, they're going to think I'm mental. But I don't care.
I wish my beliefs were different, because if I believed in what everybody else does, then I would know I was going to see you again someday. You, Marcus, Mike, Granny, and Paul.
I miss everything babe...
I miss the 5am phone calls because you didn't want to be lonely on the way to work.
I remember picking on so many people because you and I got the joke and they didn't understand sarcasm.
I remember talking to two of your buddies and they asked about your mits, and I was like "wait wait, you forgot to tell me this bit" and they both cracked up and apologized like crazy for getting you in trouble.
I miss the hours and hours and hours spent on the phone, or watching movies together, or napping. I miss you taking care of me when I was sick. I miss randomly going to see Wanda and talking to her about the boys and us and just whatever came to mind.
I miss riding around with you and Daniel. I miss your crazy singing and your crazy laugh. I miss 3way calls with you and Hunter. I even miss seeing you mad.
I miss your dancing. I miss watching Pineapple Express and eating tater tots. I miss you bringing me ice cream. I miss eating EVERY FREAKIN THING with you because we were bored. I miss getting in trouble with you, and even more, AVOIDING trouble. I miss walking around walmart, me being stupid and you trying to rush me out because you were embarassed. I miss dance parties in the WM parking lot to 2step.
I remember when we first met you, Daniel was being goofy and hanging all over you. Then you got a little concerned, and then you concerned him by hanging all over him too. I think you were one of his closest friends...
I miss everything that we had, that we did, that we avoided, that we talked about, decided, wanted, etc. I miss planning life out with you. I'll never get to do those plans now.

I remember the time we were on our way home and we decided to stop and see Granny. I hadn't known you very long yet and I thought it was THE FUNNIEST thing when we parked and you got out first. I was getting out on your side and Daniel was on the other side getting out. he accidentally dropped something and you jumped a MILLION feet and said "WHAT WAS THAT?!" and got back into the truck, lmao. I had to hold your hand and get you back outta the truck... .Scared of graveyards, I never would have guessed. :P
You made me feel so happy and complete.
I love you.. and I always will.
And seriously, the next person that tells me to grow up or stop pouting, I'm gonna smack em.

-LIVE FREE ♡

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you ?

R.I.P. Cody James Humble.
05|24|91-01|12|11.
Dancing With The Angels,
forever alive in our hearts, minds and souls.
Gone but not forgotten.

I hate having to move on when it isn't my own choice to do so.

If you were here I would kick the hell outta you. I really would. I would yell at you and lecture you and blah blah, all that stuff you always got mad at me for doing.

I miss you so much...
God Cody... I told you that I gave you 6 damn months. Why didn't you listen to me?? Every other time you asked me for advice or I told you not to do something because it would get you into trouble, I WAS RIGHT. YOU ALWAYS ADMITTED IT !
So why didn't you just listen to me this time ? This was probably the most important thing I had ever said to you. "6 months Cody!!!"

I didn't sleep good last night. I've started having a nightmare that keeps coming back. That has never happened before. And when I woke up this morning, I really honestly thought that this wasn't happening. I was convinced that the nightmare I had was about all of this, and that the last month was just a bad dream. I really thought if I picked up my phone, I would have a text from you. Then I felt stupid and sick.

Today was a better day. I laughed a lot with Amy and Daniel, we spent most of the day together. I love them. We went out and ate ice cream and hung out at the house and joked around and just had a good time. And I walked around town for a little while. And I watched some punk kids across the road goofing off. And for some reason, EVERYTHING makes me think of you. Not just stuff that you and I did or talked about, but EVERYTHING. I can look at a piece of string and remember the time you and Ryan and Aaron came up to the house and you were so OCD about your hoodie strings being the same length. That was the first time you ever kissed me. It feels like years ago.

Or I watch the movie Coraline. Never watched it with you, never even talked about it with you, nothing. But I see it and go "Oh hey, yeah, I was texting Cody while Daniel was talking about this movie once"
Or I see a box of saltine crackers. No association to you, never ate them, never heard you talked about them, never saw them in my house or yours, etc. But they're crackers. And you loved Ritz crackers with honey peanut butter.
Everything makes me think of you.

And every time that up there ^^^ happens, and I remember something, or somebody says your name, it feels like some one just threw a 700lb chunk of cement at my chest. I hate it.
Every time I start to feel semi-good, something brings me down. I don't remember the last time a whole day went by where I didn't cry.
I can be walking down the sidewalk with Daniel, laughing about something stupid, and just bust out crying. It's been about a month and 5 days. Almost 6.

It's crazy to me how I went 14 years without knowing you. Then I met you, but didn't really talk to you until I was 15. And then, it was still only whenever you came to the house every few months. Then we started talking every single day when I was 16. You called me (no joke) about 15 times a day, and we would have 3 minute conversations. Then later that night, we'd talk for a few hours. Then we started spending every second that we could together.
And you were in my life constantly for a little over a year and half.
And now, you have altered my life from here on out.
I have so many memories that are sweet, and good, and make me smile. But then the last three months cancel them out, and make me feel hurt all over again.
I always think too much into it. I always think "Someone who loves the people around them wouldn't be able to leave them like you did, so why did you do this? Because I know you loved me. I know you loved my family. And Jesse. And Hunter. And your Mom. And BRENDA. How you could leave Brenda, I will never understand"

And even though I mostly know the answer, I still don't want to believe it.
I hate this feeling so much. I feel like I have completely lost my way. I think I have. I need to figure so much out still. I have completely forgotten myself. Who I am. What I want to do. Where I need to be.

But honestly, I mostly lost myself while you were still here. Back in the end of November. I realized I hated the person I was, and I wanted to change. I remembering calling you on News Years Eve and telling you things better change. I remember you saying "Things will change, things are going to get better, I promise."
And I also remember believing you...

The day Uncle Paul died, you and I were in the Walmart parking lot and you said things would get better. Things would change. You were going to get better.
I had heard it so many times before, I knew you were BS'ing me.
I remember how sad you looked that day, and it broke my heart.
I remember standing behind the truck and telling you that you had turned my life into one big line of dominoes, you pushed the first one and they all just kept falling.

And that still stands. The last two months of 2010, you tore my heart apart. And I know it wasn't you and you really didn't mean to. I get that. But you made the choice that put you in the position to hurt me, and that was more than enough.
I watch all these stupid movies where the girl and guy get into a huge fight, he gets mad, storms out, and wrecks his car. Later, the girl is sitting at his grave and she is so full of regret for making him mad. And then it pans to 20 years later, and what do you know??? Girl is still so full of regret and hurt and doesn't know what to do.

I don't want to be like that ! I want to stop crying and stop hating and stop being mad. I want to freakin laugh without crying. I want to go back to my old self. I remember in 2009 and most of 2010, I was a lot stronger than this. I didn't care what people though, I was so mean to everyone because I really thought nothing of them.
Honestly, I want to stop missing you for just 5 seconds, and I want to breathe like I used to before things got so bad.

I want to feel 100% good again, no pang of guilt, regret or hurt sitting in the pit of my stomach.
I don't care how much I'm whining or how stupid I sound. I really don't. This is my blog after all, and I have a feeling that nobody reads it but myself.
The things I made you do, or not do, wasn't for me. Yes, I hated the smell of cigarette smoke and yes, I think most people act like idiots while they're drunk, but I didn't want to see you go through what I knew you would go through if you continued all the things you did. After I realized just how much I cared about you, I wanted you to get healthy so you would be around for as long as I would.

And you were doing it, and you were doing such a good job of it for awhile.
I really did always think that you were a strong person. I saw you break down a lot, yeah. And have a couple panic attacks, stress, freak out, and cry probably about 20 or 30 times. But even through that, I thought you were one of the strongest people I'd ever met. Because I knew what you had been through, but every time you DID break down, you pulled through and lifted your head back up again.

And after every thing we went through, everything we GOT THROUGH together... Every brick thrown our way that we managed to dodge, everything that people threw at you and you caught and threw back... After ALL the stuff you managed to deal with and move on from, you took the easy way out.
I knew you could. I never thought you would.
You are my first and last thought of the day, and everything in between.
You made my life sparkle, and not like the gay Edward Cullen way.
You made me feel more alive than I had ever felt. You gave me a reason to be OVERLY happy. You made me excited about every day. You made me brave. You made me into somebody that I actually liked. And then you took it all away from me.
I want it to get better, but I don't see how it can with you gone.
I never thought I would find somebody that I would actually say all that cliche shit to.. about "Oh I can't see myself without you"
"I wouldn't know what to do if I lost you"
And then I found someone that I actually wanted to say it to.
And then I had to live it... seeing myself without you.
Not knowing what to do since I had lost you.
And I hate it.

I wish you could have seen how much I loved you Cody James Humble...
I miss you more than I can ever really say, even after everything I just typed.
Screw this... I'm going to bed.

-LIVE FREE ♡

hehe :)

The last time I saw you...



Trying to cheer me up...

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Well..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbFlHd1GP1w
Really great song. Listen to it.

"Here I am without you.
Drink to all that we have lost,
Mistakes that we have made.
Everything will change, but love remains the same.
I wish this could last forever."

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In Loving Memory....

Prom 2010.
I've been to a couple of proms before, but the most fun I had was at the one I went to with Cody. He was such a good sport, he had worked about a million hours in the last two days and anytime that he wasn't working, he was talking to me on the phone, so he was EXHAUSTED.
I got up somewhere near 7:00 that morning, went and played a soccer game, then went home to get ready. Cody got to the house about 4ish ? He took a shower and said he wanted to take a nap and asked me to lay with him. I wasn't tired until I laid down :P
But I started to get sleepy, and he started goofing off and playing around with my brother, so neither one of us slept :P
Prom that night was crazy, alllll my friends were there almost, and we were all dancing and laughing. Things were really great.

He was tired and grumpy for a little while, so I left to go dance with Kaitlyn and Dena and Ashley. But the first slow song that came on, he came out of nowhere and started dancing with me. :)
Afterwards, we were all changing and cleaning up and he laid down on a table and almost fell asleep, lol.

The group:)
Everybody was either grinning or laughing. I laughed at Daniel+Cody and Kaitlyn laughed at me and Hannah laughed at her and Skye laughed at Hannah... chain reaction.

Singing to me. He sang to me a lot. He had a VERY unique voice ;)
I remember the first time I ever saw you. I started calling you Hot Blondie because I didn't even know you name. But even after I found out that your name was Cody, I just kept calling you Hot Blondie. :P I waited a few years to tell you about your nickname though..... lol

Some of my family <3 style="cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMmpnMlqLQUkgHhAAs9-lwNRgipg77-HEjn0TGJOp55ffpFvRYkbGzNm6twnqYDHO9hDxmfZmPile0dYELH9WGh50XBH2F7HkzEYnwK4rwkLBryI0NIeiFAE9JTx2Sl-OSgcRfdgU_X6A/s400/20110106171557.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5574425659625480770" border="0">
The thing is.....
In the year we were together, you said a lot of things to me that I know you've said to other people before. That's just how it goes. But I know that I meant a lot to you. I know you loved my family, and I know you loved being at the house, but you weren't THAT good of a liar or that good of an actor :P
And you always thanked me for saving you, and telling me I saved you every day. And as cliche as it sounded, I also know that it was true. I don't care how cocky and stuck up it sounds, I did a lot for you. There really weren't very many people that could calm you down once you actually got MAD. My family always could though. You could NOT stay mad around us.
You came to me depressed or upset or crying and spent 10 minutes with me and then you were fine. Laughing, dancing, singing, being goofy. You came to me nervous or scared, and I talked you down. You always did the same for me too though.
I took care of you and I did a good job doing it. I know this. You knew this.
Which is why I think you didn't come to me, you knew I would try to talk you out of it. And I think you knew that if I tried, I would succeed.
You never really told me no to anything. I was too cute ;)

Every time I think about the last conversation we had I feel sick. There wasn't much I regretted in my life. Very few things in fact. But when I think of that conversation I feel so full of regret. Ugh.

You would be surprised at how many BEST FRIENDS you supposedly had. I mean seriously... people that you and I were smack talking the last time we talked are claiming that you guys had been best friends since you were 6, or that they had been texting you all night the day before.
People are stupid. If they knew ANYTHING AT ALL, they would know that your cell phone was turned off for a little over a WEEK before all this happened.
But a lot of the people in Patco are very close minded, very afraid of what's different, and very dramatic. Everybody wants in on everything, especially things that don't involve them at all.

The last month has been an emotional roller coaster. Everybody says it'll get better, but you know what ? Those are the people that have never been through something like this before. Because the people that HAVE experienced this before are the ones who are the ones who are telling me the truth. That it will get easier, but it will take a LONG time, and all I can do is try to keep my head up.

I'm famous, thanks to you. Everybody in PC knows my name.
But that's okay, I really don't care.
I miss you so much baby. :'( They say home is where the heart is, but that's not true, because my heart is with you where ever you are.
Okay, I'm done complaining for right now.
I LOVE YOU. You will forever hold a spot inside my heart and soul. <3

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