Ugh.

I'm so tired of falling asleep and not being able to control my dreams. I have always had really random, really strange dreams. They have always felt really really real, and I've always been extremely amused by this. Not lately.

I've had 3 dreams about Cody in the last couple of weeks. On the one hand, I truly love it. It feels like he's really sitting there talking to me, or laughing with me, or holding me. It feels like nothing ever happened and everything is okay, and he's okay. But then there are the few nights where I dream about something that actually happened. Reliving it in my dream. And when that happens, it's never the good stuff. In the dreams, one or both of us always winds up turning our backs and walking away, exactly how it happened so many times in December. And those times feel just as real as the others, feel exactly like it's happening, and hurt me all over again.

But no matter what I dream about, good or bad, I always wake up expecting him to really be here. And when I sit up, wake up fully, and see no calls from him on my phone, I feel empty as hell once again.
He's not coming back.

I would rather sleep than be awake though. Night time isn't so bad now, it's gotten better. But waking up with that empty feeling and not having him around to talk to, I hate that feeling now. My parents get pretty pissed at me because I sleep so late, but the day is way too long and waaay too emotionally exhausting if I get up too early. I don't expect anybody to understand, I don't understand either.

Blahh. This is just random ranting. I have, yet again, found out who my true friends are. And I'm fine with that. Seems to be a trend this year, finding out who my true friends are. I'm glad for it though, honestly. Glad to see which ones I can count on and trust, and which ones punk out when things don't go their own way. I'd rather find out early on rather than later, once I have trusted them with too much. But whatever, I'd prefer to stand on my own anyway.

Graduation and prom are both on Saturday. I'm looking forward to it a little bit, because I'm going to see all my friends+all my family together in one place. Also a little nervous though. For a couple reasons...
I have only seen everybody once since Cody died, and we were all crying last time.
Cody made an appearance at almost every single meeting in 2010, even if it was just for a few minutes.
The place everything is being held.... that's where we had prom last year. I went with Cody last year and it was definitely the best prom ever. I've only been back there once since Prom 2010.
I have to give a speech, and I have gotten REALLY emotional this year. I really don't want to cry, but it seems like I do it at the most random times.
And last, whenever something big happens, Cody is always in my head.

I don't know. I'm sure it will be fine, but we will see. I'm just feeling super emotional today because of that damn dream. I don't want to keep having them, but at the same time, I really do. It's how I see Cody now.

Wow. I sound pathetic.