Every single ounce of hurt that I feel always comes back to you.
Every single time someone screws me over or lies to me, your face pops into my head. and I'm sick of it. Life was so amazing.... summer 09.

Walking around our property with you and Marcus. everybody was laughing. everyone was joking. and now we can't go back to that. and because of the way you guys left, we are all forever scarred. I feel for Sonja now more than ever. I always knew she was in great pain and I always felt so bad. for her and the boys. Because although I had started to get to know Marcus really well those last few months, I still wasn't very close to him. yet, I was still in a lot of pain when he died, so I could only imagine how his immediate family felt. but they're all strong and they're all tough, and they are learning to deal with it just fine. But that night when i got that phone call, I got a small taste of what Sonja felt. and when I say small, i mean a speck. a grain of salt compared to an entire salt shaker, but still. I finally began to slightly understand it. and it hurt. so much.

and now every time something goes wrong, ANYTHING, i remember your face. Your blue eyes and your tattoos. your haircut. your arms. your scars. your voice. everything you said to me. that last conversation we had. the things i said to you and the things you said to me.... and it hurts.

and i remember the conversation we had had just a week before. talking about death. about things that could happened and that have happened. you gave me a list of reasons why you really hated the world sometimes and i gave you mine. they were all legit reasons as to why we SHOULD hate the world, but were they really bad enough that you could just leave ? for every reason you gave me, i could have found 3 reasons why you should have loved life.
were my family and i really not good enough to and for you ? we helped you out all the time. with a lot of stuff. we had your back even when you were a dick to me.

the worst part is that i let you change me. i let you turn me into one of those girls i always made fun of. i knew what you were doing, and i still stuck around. and i can't change that, no matter how much i try.

too many memories. too much takes me back. i hate this.