"emotionally damaged"

that's what i was called a few weeks ago. how true is it ?

i'd prefer the term "temporarily emotionally altered" but whatever.
i think i move too fast. from person to person and thing to thing.

but emotionally damaged ? i don't know. i know that there are people who go through way more than what i've been through.

but sometimes it still swallows me whole. and when it does that, i'm never prepared.
people say a lot of things to me. things that would most likely offend your average 18yro girl.
but the only thing that people can say that truly affects me/my emotions is something about him.

he screwed me up and over. completely. and yet, i still defend him ?
i never know how i feel anymore. i've always had trouble figuring out who i am, but now i really have no clue. and i'm not sure how to find myself.

blahh. i hate giving him this much credit. he doesn't deserve it.

anyway, update on life....

i've screwed up everything with rudy. go figure. we're still friends, but i don't know what i want (go figure) and he has a really hard time being JUST FRIENDS with me. doesn't like the idea much. and neither do i, but i don't really want to be in a relationship with him. which makes me feel awful. i've been in his shoes, i know his pain and i know i could stop it, but i also can't put myself back into the situation and be only 50% involved. it wouldn't be fair to him. so all around, this is a shitty situation. and i feel horrible, because for the first time i am actually putting myself before a guy. and for the first time, the guy is actually a good one. somebody who doesn't deserve this. rudy, i truly wish i could fix everything and make us both happy. but i'm really not sure how to do that right now. i'm so sorry for all of the pain i've caused you. you deserve someone better than i. fersure. i do love you though, i just need to sort out my head. i know you'll never ever read this, but i just feel the need to put it out there. i know i'm way too stubborn, way too jealous, way too much of a bitch sometimes, way too harsh, way too unfair, etc. i can't help it. i'm discovering that the wall i have put up is a permanent one for now. at least until i start learning about myself. who i am and what i want.

been working a lot. don't have too many days off in fact. the only time i'm really home now is to sleep. then get up and go to work, then come home and sleep. haven't spent much time with the family and i rarely get to eat dinner with them anymore. so it kinda pisses me off when i have a day off and nobody wants to really do anything with me.

the only person i really know here is gone. his name is cody, coincidentally enough, and he went back to college. four hours away.

i really don't know what else to say. i hate cody for what hes done to me. hes been gone for almost 8 months and he is still constantly effecting what i do. what i say. what i screw up. everything. ugh. it still hurts i guess. just wounds that haven't yet healed.

peace..