i could really use a wish right now...

I remember this. Before things got bad. Everything was fine. Better than fine. Everything was great. You called me on your lunch break. Asked how my day was. I was in a horrible mood. I told you I missed you. You said you missed me too, and you'd call after you got off.
Then you called me back 4 minutes later and started "coughing" really loudly and dramatically. I asked what you were doing. You said you thought you were coming down with something, and you think you should probably leave work. Then you hung up to talk to Jer. 20 minutes later, you were standing right beside me at Nancys candy place. Everything was great. You were so sweet. I remember handing you Brody and you held him for about 10 minutes. Then Mandy took him and a few minutes later, I handed you Jacob. You looked at me with the most serious look and said "Is this the one I was holding before?" I remember the first time you held Brody, which was also the first time you EVER held a baby. You were TERRIFIED, then you just looked at me with this huge smile, feeling all proud of yourself. And then we had to talk about it for two days after that.....

god i HATE this ! everytime i think it's ok, it IS NOT.

you were HAPPY with me. with my family. i know that !
why the hell couldn't you rise above it ?? we all thought you could !
it shouldn't be like this. you weren't even 20 yet ! i remembering hearing you talk about turning 21.... being sooo excited ! how could you do this to us?!?

i did everything i could for you. i took care of you as good as i knew how to. i was there for you and nice to you PLENTY of times when i should have turned my back and walked on. but i know you loved me and i know you cared....
so i don't know how you could do this.

i need you here so bad. i can do it on my own but i don't want to have to. i need you to come back and be next to me.. i am so f_cking scared. and lost. it's been almost two months and the pain still comes... stronger and stronger every day.

i don't care how dramatic i sound..... screw it.

oh my god i wish you could come home. i wish so hard every day and i know it'll never happen.
you made me feel full. complete. whole. happy. content. you made me feel smart. you made me feel like i was gonna do something with my life. you made me proud to be me. you made me excited about life. you made me strong. you made me feel like i was doing something good for somebody other than myself. you made me feel like i could do anything. you put me on top of the damn world.

and then you took it all back, took my heart, and left..
i don't even know what to do anymore. i'm sick of it... i miss you so..
-LIVE FREE ♡