What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you ?

R.I.P. Cody James Humble.
05|24|91-01|12|11.
Dancing With The Angels,
forever alive in our hearts, minds and souls.
Gone but not forgotten.

I hate having to move on when it isn't my own choice to do so.

If you were here I would kick the hell outta you. I really would. I would yell at you and lecture you and blah blah, all that stuff you always got mad at me for doing.

I miss you so much...
God Cody... I told you that I gave you 6 damn months. Why didn't you listen to me?? Every other time you asked me for advice or I told you not to do something because it would get you into trouble, I WAS RIGHT. YOU ALWAYS ADMITTED IT !
So why didn't you just listen to me this time ? This was probably the most important thing I had ever said to you. "6 months Cody!!!"

I didn't sleep good last night. I've started having a nightmare that keeps coming back. That has never happened before. And when I woke up this morning, I really honestly thought that this wasn't happening. I was convinced that the nightmare I had was about all of this, and that the last month was just a bad dream. I really thought if I picked up my phone, I would have a text from you. Then I felt stupid and sick.

Today was a better day. I laughed a lot with Amy and Daniel, we spent most of the day together. I love them. We went out and ate ice cream and hung out at the house and joked around and just had a good time. And I walked around town for a little while. And I watched some punk kids across the road goofing off. And for some reason, EVERYTHING makes me think of you. Not just stuff that you and I did or talked about, but EVERYTHING. I can look at a piece of string and remember the time you and Ryan and Aaron came up to the house and you were so OCD about your hoodie strings being the same length. That was the first time you ever kissed me. It feels like years ago.

Or I watch the movie Coraline. Never watched it with you, never even talked about it with you, nothing. But I see it and go "Oh hey, yeah, I was texting Cody while Daniel was talking about this movie once"
Or I see a box of saltine crackers. No association to you, never ate them, never heard you talked about them, never saw them in my house or yours, etc. But they're crackers. And you loved Ritz crackers with honey peanut butter.
Everything makes me think of you.

And every time that up there ^^^ happens, and I remember something, or somebody says your name, it feels like some one just threw a 700lb chunk of cement at my chest. I hate it.
Every time I start to feel semi-good, something brings me down. I don't remember the last time a whole day went by where I didn't cry.
I can be walking down the sidewalk with Daniel, laughing about something stupid, and just bust out crying. It's been about a month and 5 days. Almost 6.

It's crazy to me how I went 14 years without knowing you. Then I met you, but didn't really talk to you until I was 15. And then, it was still only whenever you came to the house every few months. Then we started talking every single day when I was 16. You called me (no joke) about 15 times a day, and we would have 3 minute conversations. Then later that night, we'd talk for a few hours. Then we started spending every second that we could together.
And you were in my life constantly for a little over a year and half.
And now, you have altered my life from here on out.
I have so many memories that are sweet, and good, and make me smile. But then the last three months cancel them out, and make me feel hurt all over again.
I always think too much into it. I always think "Someone who loves the people around them wouldn't be able to leave them like you did, so why did you do this? Because I know you loved me. I know you loved my family. And Jesse. And Hunter. And your Mom. And BRENDA. How you could leave Brenda, I will never understand"

And even though I mostly know the answer, I still don't want to believe it.
I hate this feeling so much. I feel like I have completely lost my way. I think I have. I need to figure so much out still. I have completely forgotten myself. Who I am. What I want to do. Where I need to be.

But honestly, I mostly lost myself while you were still here. Back in the end of November. I realized I hated the person I was, and I wanted to change. I remembering calling you on News Years Eve and telling you things better change. I remember you saying "Things will change, things are going to get better, I promise."
And I also remember believing you...

The day Uncle Paul died, you and I were in the Walmart parking lot and you said things would get better. Things would change. You were going to get better.
I had heard it so many times before, I knew you were BS'ing me.
I remember how sad you looked that day, and it broke my heart.
I remember standing behind the truck and telling you that you had turned my life into one big line of dominoes, you pushed the first one and they all just kept falling.

And that still stands. The last two months of 2010, you tore my heart apart. And I know it wasn't you and you really didn't mean to. I get that. But you made the choice that put you in the position to hurt me, and that was more than enough.
I watch all these stupid movies where the girl and guy get into a huge fight, he gets mad, storms out, and wrecks his car. Later, the girl is sitting at his grave and she is so full of regret for making him mad. And then it pans to 20 years later, and what do you know??? Girl is still so full of regret and hurt and doesn't know what to do.

I don't want to be like that ! I want to stop crying and stop hating and stop being mad. I want to freakin laugh without crying. I want to go back to my old self. I remember in 2009 and most of 2010, I was a lot stronger than this. I didn't care what people though, I was so mean to everyone because I really thought nothing of them.
Honestly, I want to stop missing you for just 5 seconds, and I want to breathe like I used to before things got so bad.

I want to feel 100% good again, no pang of guilt, regret or hurt sitting in the pit of my stomach.
I don't care how much I'm whining or how stupid I sound. I really don't. This is my blog after all, and I have a feeling that nobody reads it but myself.
The things I made you do, or not do, wasn't for me. Yes, I hated the smell of cigarette smoke and yes, I think most people act like idiots while they're drunk, but I didn't want to see you go through what I knew you would go through if you continued all the things you did. After I realized just how much I cared about you, I wanted you to get healthy so you would be around for as long as I would.

And you were doing it, and you were doing such a good job of it for awhile.
I really did always think that you were a strong person. I saw you break down a lot, yeah. And have a couple panic attacks, stress, freak out, and cry probably about 20 or 30 times. But even through that, I thought you were one of the strongest people I'd ever met. Because I knew what you had been through, but every time you DID break down, you pulled through and lifted your head back up again.

And after every thing we went through, everything we GOT THROUGH together... Every brick thrown our way that we managed to dodge, everything that people threw at you and you caught and threw back... After ALL the stuff you managed to deal with and move on from, you took the easy way out.
I knew you could. I never thought you would.
You are my first and last thought of the day, and everything in between.
You made my life sparkle, and not like the gay Edward Cullen way.
You made me feel more alive than I had ever felt. You gave me a reason to be OVERLY happy. You made me excited about every day. You made me brave. You made me into somebody that I actually liked. And then you took it all away from me.
I want it to get better, but I don't see how it can with you gone.
I never thought I would find somebody that I would actually say all that cliche shit to.. about "Oh I can't see myself without you"
"I wouldn't know what to do if I lost you"
And then I found someone that I actually wanted to say it to.
And then I had to live it... seeing myself without you.
Not knowing what to do since I had lost you.
And I hate it.

I wish you could have seen how much I loved you Cody James Humble...
I miss you more than I can ever really say, even after everything I just typed.
Screw this... I'm going to bed.

-LIVE FREE ♡