New Years... you and I talked about how bad the year had been.
You said "I think all of us deserve a better year."
I said "I agree. I wanna make sure my family has a much better year."
You said "Yeah, we will figure out a way to make this one awesome"

Liar.
I was sitting here thinking. Would it be easier or harder to deal with this if you had died in a car wreck or a construction accident?
On the one hand, it seems like it would be worse then. Because you didn't leave on your own free will, someone else took your life
and you didn't make that choice. It seems like it would be SO unfair to you, and it seems like it would be even worse than it has been for US.
On the other hand... this seems like it is much harder than that would be.. because you made this choice. You decided that I wasn't good enough
for you to stay around. Me, Hunter, Jesse, your parents, etc. You left all of us and you made that choice.

And realizing this over and over again every second of every day really hurts. No matter how hard I tried over the last year and a half, no matter what I
did or what your aunt did or what the Conners did... you still made this choice. So many of us tried so hard to give you a better life, and you turned around and
smacked us all in the face.

And to answer my own question, neither is easier. Suicide or car wreck, it doesn't matter. Death is a bitch to deal with either way. It doesn't matter how you go or when you go, the people you love are still going to suffer. And I have learned that though it may eventually start to get easier, you never fully get over losing someone that you once loved.

It will be four months soon. While you were here, the longest I ever went without talking to you was no more than 6 days. And I never went more than a week or two without seeing you, not the whole time I knew you. And four months ? Sheew..

I remember laying on the couch with you one night. I was feeling pretty shitty and I had been all day. We were watching Pineapple Express and eating Tater Crowns. I remember laying there thinking about how lucky I was to be able to spend as much time with you as I did, and thinking about how much I cared about you and how I would react if you were to disappear from my life.
Of course, back then when I said "disappear" I meant move on to another person, not leave the damn world.

But I guess I found out. And hell, I think I manage fine. I wake up. I eat breakfast. I do school. I go out and shop. I work out. I eat lunch. I watch TV. I write. I draw. I breathe. I spend time with my family. I walk the dogs. I goof off. I shower. I walk. I go to sleep. Then I get up and I do it again. And yeah, I still constantly feel like I have a hole in my stomach. I am still constantly reminded of you. Every song, everything people say or do, everything. I can actually still cry about it if I think about it for too long. It never really ever took too long for me to get over something, and I've always thought that was pretty awesome. I guess it's because I get bored with things so easily, I don't know.

But four months later and it still hurts. I've never felt emotional pain this bad. I just don't understand.
But that's the thing.... none of us will ever understand. Everybody has questions that will never get answered.

What was going through your head that morning?
What was going through your head right before?
Why didn't you tell anyone how you felt?
What was so bad that you felt like you couldn't face it any longer?
Did you consider how we would feel?
Did you just not care?
Why then and not sooner? Or later?
And... the one that is STILL being asked today...
Why the hell did you do it?

Everybody has the same questions. And everyone has to face the fact that we will never get the answers we are looking for. Ever.
Because no matter what kind of bullshit people manage to come up with, and no matter how many people point their finger are someone, and no matter WHAT people say or do or believe...
you are not coming back. You will not ever come back to this world. You graced us with your presence for 19 years, and then you were gone.
And unfortunately, it is entirely 110% unfair to us, because you made a selfish decision.

The sad part is how few people were aware of the situation. I mean... of course nobody expected you to do this. Not even myself. I knew that you were not afraid of death, you reminded me constantly. I knew you cared more about everyone else than you did yourself. But when I got the phone call that night from Hunter and Joey telling me what happened.... I didn't believe them at first. I had just talked to you 10 hours before. You laughed at me. You said to me "I love you, I can't wait to see you again. Thank you for not giving up on me."
You made plans to come up and see me the next day.
So when Joey told me what happened, I was completely in shock. I didn't believe him until the next morning in fact. I woke up and saw that crap all over Facebook. Honestly, it's still pretty unbelievable to read "Rest In Peace Cody Humble" To this day it is still pretty weird to read.

I still wish that I believed what everyone else does. I would love that. To believe that I was going to see you again one day. You, Mike, Marcus, everybody. I would love to believe that you guys can see and hear what I do and say. That you're watching over me and taking care of me.
Well, I would just settle for thinking that I will get to see you again one day.

But no, I can't just stop believing what I have been believing for the past 18 years. Doesn't work like that. It would be nice though...
Thinking about all of this doesn't help at all. Especially OVERTHINKING, which is all I do now.

You aren't coming back. I still feel hopeful that you will, but you won't. And...
although I thoroughly appreciate things that people say to try and make me feel better, it doesn't help anything. It doesn't change anything. No matter what I do during the day or what I dream about at night..
No matter who I meet or spend my time with..
No matter how much time I spend remembering the shitty thing you did and say to me...

I still miss you. I will always miss you. I really truly loved you, Cody. And that doesn't seem to be going away.
If you had just left ME and not the world, I might feel the same as I do now. I doubt it though... you and I had that thing going on where no matter where we went or what we did, we both always came back. It was a loop, kind of. And I think you and I probably would have spent awhile in that loop.

So, I have had 4 months to think about things. And have I figured anything out or solved anything?
Yes, I have.

Have I gotten all my questions answered?
No, and I never will.

After 4 months of thinking, I have just come back to my suspicion from the beginning of all of this...

You will never fully get over losing someone that you cared about. Someone that you spent just about every day talking to and spending time with. Someone that you cried with and laughed with. Someone that you created memories with. It's never going to go away. Death is a horrible, sad thing to hear about. Even when it happens to someone you don't know. Because it's sad for a person to have to leave this world, and it's sad to think about how the people close to that person must have felt.

But losing someone that you are as close to as I was with Cody... that is going to leave a scar forever. You are never going to get over it, so you just have to learn how to accept it.

Have I learned?
Hell no, I have not. But to me, this is still very new. It's only been four months. Which is what... 120 days?
Yeah, something like that. And after spending roughly 2&1/2 years getting to know someone, 120 days without them is pure hell.

... This blog is not meant to inspire anyone, if you hadn't notice. This is merely for my emo, depressed, sad little child thoughts that I won't say outloud because I do not want people to have to deal with me whining right now.

I miss you Cody, and I wish this aching, sad feeling would go away.
Well... if we're wishing for things, I wish you could come home.

But that's it for tonight. I suppose these depressing things ^^^ are more than enough for now.

But hey, at least Bin Laden is dead.... woohoo! :)