Random thoughts.

Why is death permanent ? Why can't people just leave for a little while, and then come back later ?
Well, I guess they do. Vacation.

It is so crazy to me that people can just leave the world. One morning they are there, and laughing and sleeping and breathing and eating, and then the next day they are just gone. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it, honestly.

I have a hard time wrapping my head around a lot of things actually. How could Cody have done this ? How could he have changed so much ? Could his little habit really have had that much of an affect on him ? I guess so, because he was awful in November & December 2010.

When I first met him, he was always nice, but we didn't really talk. And then he started spending a lot of time at my house with Marcus, and I got to know him a little better. One day, he came onto my porch and gave me his number and asked me to call him sometime. Once we started talking, he started calling me every single time he was coming my way, to let me know and to tell me to come and see him. And then he started bringing me ice cream every time he came up. Then he started bringing some for my brother and sister too. Then my mom. On Valentines day, we'd only been together for a few weeks but he still went out and got me chocolate and flowers and a card and a huge stuffed animal. And he would bring me roses at random times throughout our relationship. Always wanted to take me out to eat and do stuff. Every time he stopped at a store before he got to the house, he'd call and see if I wanted anything. He got my Mom a birthday gift. He came to my little brothers birthday dinner. He came and saw my Dad on Fathers day. He always brought me a twix. He NEVER let someone talk shit to me, whether they were male or female. He always watched out for Hannah and he had Daniels back no matter what. As soon as he found out I had been in that wreck, he came down and met us at the ER. I was laying in bed when he walked into the room and he came in with his eyes all red, he checked on my Mom, then came over and kissed me, and gave me this huge hug, and started sobbing. Then he stayed by my side the whole time and held my hand and kept wiping my eyes everything. He walked me to the car and told me to be careful and not to scare him like that again, and I left. He got me a christmas present years ago before we were even dating. He was always getting up at dinner time to get me seconds or refill my drink. He really truly was so sweet. So how did he manage to lose himself that badly and that quickly ?

I graduate the day after tomorrow. The one face I want there the most isn't going to be there. I have to go to prom without him. I start work next week, and he isn't there to support me. I will be 18 the month after next, and he won't be there. A year ago today, I knew how badly he was hurting. I knew that he was upset, I knew that he was confused, I knew he missed Marcus and worried about Brenda, I knew he had his doubts about life, but I never would have ever thought that he wouldn't be here right now. I thought he would pull through. He was strong, he had been through a lot. I really truly thought that when I graduated high school, he would still be here. Still be a part of this world.

I guess today is just another one of those days where it doesn't feel real. I keep looking at his pictures and in a way.... it seems like they were taken yesterday. Like he was just here. So, if he was just here yesterday, how can he not be here today ?

But no, he wasn't He hasn't been here in over 4 months. And it still breaks my heart.

Cody,
This year's prom will not be the same without you. At all. I've been to a couple of them, but last year's was definitely the best. I have that I don't understand it, but I hate it even more that you aren't here with me. I miss you soooooooooooooooo much.

And you know what.. people are still saying stuff. People are still being stupid enough to believe the rumors. It's quite pitiful. But you know what ? The starter of the rumors, the MAIN starter, NT. I honestly feel bad for NT. Why ?

Because she has to spend every single day trying to convince the world that my boy cared for her. I don't have to say a single word and I hate these people coming up to me and calling me and e-mailing me to say "I'm really sorry about your boyfriend, I know he really loved you, I saw the way he looked at you and smiled at you when you guys were together."

And NT pitches a fit, and has to TELL people what she thinks went on. If only she could see how pathetic she looks.
Honestly though, it's pretty hilarious. Little does she know, she has also played a part in how well I have done with coping with this. Because humor helps in bad situations. Laughing helps. Makes you feel better. And oh hot damn, that girl has made me laugh over the last 4 months. If only she knew just how much to MY benefit she has been working. Lmao.


Well, I suppose this will be all for the night. Have a big long day tomorrow and it's going to start early, so I should at least attempt to sleep. Goodnight to.. well, nobody.