Well. So far, I love my job. I worked all week this week. The people are really great too. My snack bar crew is really laid back and goofy and nice. Everybody gets along. So far, it's been a really relaxed atmosphere. I was there Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. And I have today off, then I work two long shifts tomorrow and Monday. And I've got a soccer game today.

I'd rather be at work today though, lol.


The 24th would have been Cody's birthday. He would have been 20 years old. He would have been out partying and celebrating and getting crazy, and then he would have talked for so long about how he was soooo close to 21. He did that on his 19th birthday. Kept saying "almost 21, almost 21!"
I miss you Cody..
I graduated high school, and I started my first job. I'm doing good in life. I miss the past when I sit down and really think about it. And sometimes, this is still really hard to believe. I was listening to people talk about their exes yesterday, about how annoying they are or how they still hang out with them or how they're still really good friends, and I couldn't say anything at all.

I /do/ wish I could still hang out with you. I /do/ wish you were here to annoy me. I /do/ wish we were still really good friends. Granted, if you were here, I'm sure we would still be right there together. But that's because I wouldn't know the truth about everything. I know the truth now.

You said I was strong. I wasn't for awhile. But I think I am now. I'm dealing with everything. I'm just so sick of hearing people talk about it though. It happened, and they can't change it, and they need to let it go. And all those dumbass people who make everyone believe you guys were best friends, they piss me off so bad.

Because people suck, and need to shut up. But I've pretty much severed ties with everyone in PC, thank god. I guess that's it. I'm working on a tattoo idea, and David+Mom+myself are going to get tattoos eventually.

So. yeah. :)

I'm such a freaking genius.

My new life goal:
LEARN TO STOP OVER THINKING.

Honestly.
It could drive a person crazy..

Well...

I have officially walked through my towns Walmart without feeling even the slightest bit of regret, hurt, or guilt.
Last night was awesome.

I feel a lot better.

Thank you everybody that came, that helped to put it together, and just thank you for being a part of my life :)

But thank you Miss Veronica Dolpp and Mr. Cody Elvington for making the night 10x easier and 10x more awesome. :)

every f.ing song on my phone reminds me of him. fml.

Random thoughts.

Why is death permanent ? Why can't people just leave for a little while, and then come back later ?
Well, I guess they do. Vacation.

It is so crazy to me that people can just leave the world. One morning they are there, and laughing and sleeping and breathing and eating, and then the next day they are just gone. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it, honestly.

I have a hard time wrapping my head around a lot of things actually. How could Cody have done this ? How could he have changed so much ? Could his little habit really have had that much of an affect on him ? I guess so, because he was awful in November & December 2010.

When I first met him, he was always nice, but we didn't really talk. And then he started spending a lot of time at my house with Marcus, and I got to know him a little better. One day, he came onto my porch and gave me his number and asked me to call him sometime. Once we started talking, he started calling me every single time he was coming my way, to let me know and to tell me to come and see him. And then he started bringing me ice cream every time he came up. Then he started bringing some for my brother and sister too. Then my mom. On Valentines day, we'd only been together for a few weeks but he still went out and got me chocolate and flowers and a card and a huge stuffed animal. And he would bring me roses at random times throughout our relationship. Always wanted to take me out to eat and do stuff. Every time he stopped at a store before he got to the house, he'd call and see if I wanted anything. He got my Mom a birthday gift. He came to my little brothers birthday dinner. He came and saw my Dad on Fathers day. He always brought me a twix. He NEVER let someone talk shit to me, whether they were male or female. He always watched out for Hannah and he had Daniels back no matter what. As soon as he found out I had been in that wreck, he came down and met us at the ER. I was laying in bed when he walked into the room and he came in with his eyes all red, he checked on my Mom, then came over and kissed me, and gave me this huge hug, and started sobbing. Then he stayed by my side the whole time and held my hand and kept wiping my eyes everything. He walked me to the car and told me to be careful and not to scare him like that again, and I left. He got me a christmas present years ago before we were even dating. He was always getting up at dinner time to get me seconds or refill my drink. He really truly was so sweet. So how did he manage to lose himself that badly and that quickly ?

I graduate the day after tomorrow. The one face I want there the most isn't going to be there. I have to go to prom without him. I start work next week, and he isn't there to support me. I will be 18 the month after next, and he won't be there. A year ago today, I knew how badly he was hurting. I knew that he was upset, I knew that he was confused, I knew he missed Marcus and worried about Brenda, I knew he had his doubts about life, but I never would have ever thought that he wouldn't be here right now. I thought he would pull through. He was strong, he had been through a lot. I really truly thought that when I graduated high school, he would still be here. Still be a part of this world.

I guess today is just another one of those days where it doesn't feel real. I keep looking at his pictures and in a way.... it seems like they were taken yesterday. Like he was just here. So, if he was just here yesterday, how can he not be here today ?

But no, he wasn't He hasn't been here in over 4 months. And it still breaks my heart.

Cody,
This year's prom will not be the same without you. At all. I've been to a couple of them, but last year's was definitely the best. I have that I don't understand it, but I hate it even more that you aren't here with me. I miss you soooooooooooooooo much.

And you know what.. people are still saying stuff. People are still being stupid enough to believe the rumors. It's quite pitiful. But you know what ? The starter of the rumors, the MAIN starter, NT. I honestly feel bad for NT. Why ?

Because she has to spend every single day trying to convince the world that my boy cared for her. I don't have to say a single word and I hate these people coming up to me and calling me and e-mailing me to say "I'm really sorry about your boyfriend, I know he really loved you, I saw the way he looked at you and smiled at you when you guys were together."

And NT pitches a fit, and has to TELL people what she thinks went on. If only she could see how pathetic she looks.
Honestly though, it's pretty hilarious. Little does she know, she has also played a part in how well I have done with coping with this. Because humor helps in bad situations. Laughing helps. Makes you feel better. And oh hot damn, that girl has made me laugh over the last 4 months. If only she knew just how much to MY benefit she has been working. Lmao.


Well, I suppose this will be all for the night. Have a big long day tomorrow and it's going to start early, so I should at least attempt to sleep. Goodnight to.. well, nobody.

Ugh.

I'm so tired of falling asleep and not being able to control my dreams. I have always had really random, really strange dreams. They have always felt really really real, and I've always been extremely amused by this. Not lately.

I've had 3 dreams about Cody in the last couple of weeks. On the one hand, I truly love it. It feels like he's really sitting there talking to me, or laughing with me, or holding me. It feels like nothing ever happened and everything is okay, and he's okay. But then there are the few nights where I dream about something that actually happened. Reliving it in my dream. And when that happens, it's never the good stuff. In the dreams, one or both of us always winds up turning our backs and walking away, exactly how it happened so many times in December. And those times feel just as real as the others, feel exactly like it's happening, and hurt me all over again.

But no matter what I dream about, good or bad, I always wake up expecting him to really be here. And when I sit up, wake up fully, and see no calls from him on my phone, I feel empty as hell once again.
He's not coming back.

I would rather sleep than be awake though. Night time isn't so bad now, it's gotten better. But waking up with that empty feeling and not having him around to talk to, I hate that feeling now. My parents get pretty pissed at me because I sleep so late, but the day is way too long and waaay too emotionally exhausting if I get up too early. I don't expect anybody to understand, I don't understand either.

Blahh. This is just random ranting. I have, yet again, found out who my true friends are. And I'm fine with that. Seems to be a trend this year, finding out who my true friends are. I'm glad for it though, honestly. Glad to see which ones I can count on and trust, and which ones punk out when things don't go their own way. I'd rather find out early on rather than later, once I have trusted them with too much. But whatever, I'd prefer to stand on my own anyway.

Graduation and prom are both on Saturday. I'm looking forward to it a little bit, because I'm going to see all my friends+all my family together in one place. Also a little nervous though. For a couple reasons...
I have only seen everybody once since Cody died, and we were all crying last time.
Cody made an appearance at almost every single meeting in 2010, even if it was just for a few minutes.
The place everything is being held.... that's where we had prom last year. I went with Cody last year and it was definitely the best prom ever. I've only been back there once since Prom 2010.
I have to give a speech, and I have gotten REALLY emotional this year. I really don't want to cry, but it seems like I do it at the most random times.
And last, whenever something big happens, Cody is always in my head.

I don't know. I'm sure it will be fine, but we will see. I'm just feeling super emotional today because of that damn dream. I don't want to keep having them, but at the same time, I really do. It's how I see Cody now.

Wow. I sound pathetic.

Ha

So... it's amazing how you can know someone for so long, and then THINK you know them, but one day you find out that you truly don't.

I miss Cody. It's kinda nice to have drama that isn't revolving around his death though.
Two of his best friends were in a wreck tonight, and they were taken in life flights to a nearby hospital. I don't talk to any of that crowd anymore, I'm just following some updates on Facebook posted by their families. Both of them are in critical condition right now, and both of them are only 19. One of them is the one that called me that night to tell me what had happened to Cody. That was the one that Cody had a rocky friendship with though. The other one was Cody's actual true best friend. Neither one of them has ever been really nice to me, but I truly hope they are both okay. If Cody was here, he would be torn to pieces with worry.

Moving on though, there is nothing I can do for that.

Been a long day. Didn't sleep much last night, and then it was just crashing dominoes today. I suppose that if I was trying to see the silver lining of my shitty situation this year, I would actually be able to find something. Nothing good came from Cody's death, AT ALL. A young guy left this world for unnecessary reasons, and broke hundreds of hearts. His family, his friend, and me, his girlfriend. And my family. And even my friends.

But I suppose that the one and only good part about it is that it has made me stronger. Having to deal with something like that has helped prepare me for the rest of whatever is going to be thrown at me as I continue to progress further into life. And that is a good thing.

I feel like hell tonight though. Army makes things difficult. Makes EVERYTHING difficult, in fact. Everybody should just stay in their own countries and get over themselves and stop being so freaking ridiculous and violent. Look ! I just solved all of everybody's problems ! Bet the government loves me now.

Oh well. I have been let down by a really close friend, completely unexpectedly. So, at this point in time, I am currently back in the emotional state that I was in 4 and 1/2 months ago. It's not a good feeling, but at least it's familiar.

But whatever. I've been told that I'm a strong person, now seems to be a pretty good time to prove it. Time to start over anyway. Brand new town, new house, new people, new places. I'm looking forward to it.

I've got my family, that is all I need. And Veronica and our little Jacob. <3

Army truly does change people. And those of us who aren't over there will never truly understand...


Another sleepless night last night, and so far, tonight as well.
Some girl was fussing at me today because she put a tree branch in the road down by the retirement community. My brother and I moved it, so it wouldn't damage any cars. So, she yelled at us for it today. The kid about 4 years younger than me.

After she yelled at us, a little girl who is maybe 10 or 11 came over and apologized for the other girls actions. They weren't sisters or anything, the little girl just felt bad because we had gotten fussed at by some crazy chick. It was a really admirable thing to see, especially since the apologizer was so young, not at fault by any means, and a girl we weren't even familiar with.

I'm back to square 1. Feeling like I felt 4 months aago.
It was nice while it lasted though.

Huh. tonight feels like a sleep med night.....

#%&*%$!@#!!!!!

Can't sleep at night. Again. I don't remember the last time I've fallen asleep before 5:30am. It sucks.

I'm back where I was 5 months ago. The issue I'm currently having actually has nothing to do with Cody though, that's a first lately. So, in a way it's definitely a step up.

The issue involves me and one of my really good friends. Really, very few people know about it. I do, and the friend does, and a few family members. But anyway.
My friend helped me out a lot in dealing with the "Cody situation" and shared me how to keep caring about other things and other people. Helped out more than they will ever really know, and I appreciated it very much.

But now my friend is going through some stuff and there really isn't anything I can do to help, and I feel horrible about it. And now we aren't really talking anymore. And it sucks.

This friend has been staying up with me all night every night for... months and months now. Just talking about everything you can even think of. So, it's a little unnerving going to bed without talking to them first.

This friend is actually somewhere around 14,000 miles away right now, so I spend a lot of time worrying about them as well. It's just sucky.

And.... to top it off, the washer and drying BOTH decided to crap out tonight. Grrrrr !
Other than that, I suppose life is okay. Everything feels super off though. I'm sure it'll pass soon... I'd feel better if my friend and I actually got time to sit and talk. I'm not really sure that we are currently on the same page...

God. I can't believe how much this is bugging me. In reality, it shouldn't be bugging me this much. At all. If I was to go into details and explain everything, people would think I'm insane.

Oh well.
Bed soon I suppose.
Game in the morning. errr.

eh.

The pain I felt when I received the phone call that night, and have felt since then, I never thought there could be anything worse than that. Being out in public and tearing up because I see something that reminds me of him and makes me miss him. Choking up because his song comes on the radio. Not being able to stop mentioning him. Feeling that horrible dark feeling inside when I hear somebody say his name. I figured I would never get hurt again, because I had experienced such a painful incident that nothing else could hurt me like he did. But I was wrong.

What is worse than losing somebody that you truly love ?
Having to see your siblings in pain, that is what is worse.

I love you David James Bryant.... you are the best brother ever !!!!!!

Letters.

Blah. The issues Brother 1 is having are currently pissing me off.


Dear Girl,
you're being stupid. I understand that people change and so do feelings, but you are handling this situation in a terrible way. My brother is one of the most considerate, smartest, sweetest, caring guys that I have ever met. You should consider yourself lucky just to be in his presence. And you are not. You are handling this situation terribly. You will never see this, I am just complaining here because I cannot do it out loud. Because of your childish actions, you have lost an amazing guy. You have lost your two fur children. You have lost the second half of your family. As I said, feelings change, I understand that. But doing some of the things you have done lately is not right. It's unjust and immature. Maybe this all makes sense in YOUR head, I don't know. But if you love someone, you spend every second you possibly can with that person. I loved someone, and I lost him. But my loss is different than this, because mine is permanent. Mine cannot and will not ever come back. Never again will I get to kiss him or hug him or feel his arms around me. I'm never going to see him smile or laugh or continue growing into a man. I'm never going to get another text message, e-mail or phone call from me. I'm never going to see him walk up my sidewalk. My someone is gone, and he's not coming back. So I sincerely hope you can make up your mind and figure out what you want, and I hope you do it soon. And no matter what the outcome, I hope you handle is better than you have been handling things, and I hope you leave my brother in as few pieces as you possibly can.

Dear Brother 1,
I admire you more than you will ever know. I often wonder why I'm not more like you. You're highly intelligent, extremely caring, and all around great. The few bad choices you have made compared to the tremendous ones that I have created are nothing. I manage to screw up on countless occasions, and you manage to stay straight. And whenever you do slip, you have always been good at fixing what you have done. This girl has not treated you as you deserve to be treated, and at this point in time I personally believe that you deserve much better. I think that the best thing you could do now is lift your head up and move on. If she comes back to this now, it is always going to be like this. You cannot guilt her into coming back, because neither one of your hearts will be in it. I really feel like you need someone that will treat you like gold. And believe me, you will recover from this. It's going to be a long, dark, lonely and sad path, but it IS a path which you are able to get down safely. I know what you are feeling, I truly do. I felt those emotions for months and months. And to be honest, I still feel them. I don't know when it will go away, that horrible shitty feeling. Mine still hasn't gone away, but it has gotten slightly easier. You guys keep me smiling every single day, and that helps more than you know. CEF has also played a giant part in that as well, helping to recover. So that's all you can really do for now, lean on the people that mean most to you. And don't feel bad for it, because that is part of the reason we are here. We love you very much.

Everybody keeps saying it's okay, it'll get better, it'll get easier.

Those people don't know anything. They're the ones who have never lost someone close to them.

We won our game today baby. I did horrible, but I actually had a nice shot. I really wish you could hear me. See what I was reading. Know what I am feeling. I wish you would hug me and tell me to keep my head up. Kiss me on my head and tell me you're proud of me. I just wish you could come home. Everything is so hard to do now, because it all makes me think of you. 19 years old is way too young to go. I need you baby

New Years... you and I talked about how bad the year had been.
You said "I think all of us deserve a better year."
I said "I agree. I wanna make sure my family has a much better year."
You said "Yeah, we will figure out a way to make this one awesome"

Liar.
I was sitting here thinking. Would it be easier or harder to deal with this if you had died in a car wreck or a construction accident?
On the one hand, it seems like it would be worse then. Because you didn't leave on your own free will, someone else took your life
and you didn't make that choice. It seems like it would be SO unfair to you, and it seems like it would be even worse than it has been for US.
On the other hand... this seems like it is much harder than that would be.. because you made this choice. You decided that I wasn't good enough
for you to stay around. Me, Hunter, Jesse, your parents, etc. You left all of us and you made that choice.

And realizing this over and over again every second of every day really hurts. No matter how hard I tried over the last year and a half, no matter what I
did or what your aunt did or what the Conners did... you still made this choice. So many of us tried so hard to give you a better life, and you turned around and
smacked us all in the face.

And to answer my own question, neither is easier. Suicide or car wreck, it doesn't matter. Death is a bitch to deal with either way. It doesn't matter how you go or when you go, the people you love are still going to suffer. And I have learned that though it may eventually start to get easier, you never fully get over losing someone that you once loved.

It will be four months soon. While you were here, the longest I ever went without talking to you was no more than 6 days. And I never went more than a week or two without seeing you, not the whole time I knew you. And four months ? Sheew..

I remember laying on the couch with you one night. I was feeling pretty shitty and I had been all day. We were watching Pineapple Express and eating Tater Crowns. I remember laying there thinking about how lucky I was to be able to spend as much time with you as I did, and thinking about how much I cared about you and how I would react if you were to disappear from my life.
Of course, back then when I said "disappear" I meant move on to another person, not leave the damn world.

But I guess I found out. And hell, I think I manage fine. I wake up. I eat breakfast. I do school. I go out and shop. I work out. I eat lunch. I watch TV. I write. I draw. I breathe. I spend time with my family. I walk the dogs. I goof off. I shower. I walk. I go to sleep. Then I get up and I do it again. And yeah, I still constantly feel like I have a hole in my stomach. I am still constantly reminded of you. Every song, everything people say or do, everything. I can actually still cry about it if I think about it for too long. It never really ever took too long for me to get over something, and I've always thought that was pretty awesome. I guess it's because I get bored with things so easily, I don't know.

But four months later and it still hurts. I've never felt emotional pain this bad. I just don't understand.
But that's the thing.... none of us will ever understand. Everybody has questions that will never get answered.

What was going through your head that morning?
What was going through your head right before?
Why didn't you tell anyone how you felt?
What was so bad that you felt like you couldn't face it any longer?
Did you consider how we would feel?
Did you just not care?
Why then and not sooner? Or later?
And... the one that is STILL being asked today...
Why the hell did you do it?

Everybody has the same questions. And everyone has to face the fact that we will never get the answers we are looking for. Ever.
Because no matter what kind of bullshit people manage to come up with, and no matter how many people point their finger are someone, and no matter WHAT people say or do or believe...
you are not coming back. You will not ever come back to this world. You graced us with your presence for 19 years, and then you were gone.
And unfortunately, it is entirely 110% unfair to us, because you made a selfish decision.

The sad part is how few people were aware of the situation. I mean... of course nobody expected you to do this. Not even myself. I knew that you were not afraid of death, you reminded me constantly. I knew you cared more about everyone else than you did yourself. But when I got the phone call that night from Hunter and Joey telling me what happened.... I didn't believe them at first. I had just talked to you 10 hours before. You laughed at me. You said to me "I love you, I can't wait to see you again. Thank you for not giving up on me."
You made plans to come up and see me the next day.
So when Joey told me what happened, I was completely in shock. I didn't believe him until the next morning in fact. I woke up and saw that crap all over Facebook. Honestly, it's still pretty unbelievable to read "Rest In Peace Cody Humble" To this day it is still pretty weird to read.

I still wish that I believed what everyone else does. I would love that. To believe that I was going to see you again one day. You, Mike, Marcus, everybody. I would love to believe that you guys can see and hear what I do and say. That you're watching over me and taking care of me.
Well, I would just settle for thinking that I will get to see you again one day.

But no, I can't just stop believing what I have been believing for the past 18 years. Doesn't work like that. It would be nice though...
Thinking about all of this doesn't help at all. Especially OVERTHINKING, which is all I do now.

You aren't coming back. I still feel hopeful that you will, but you won't. And...
although I thoroughly appreciate things that people say to try and make me feel better, it doesn't help anything. It doesn't change anything. No matter what I do during the day or what I dream about at night..
No matter who I meet or spend my time with..
No matter how much time I spend remembering the shitty thing you did and say to me...

I still miss you. I will always miss you. I really truly loved you, Cody. And that doesn't seem to be going away.
If you had just left ME and not the world, I might feel the same as I do now. I doubt it though... you and I had that thing going on where no matter where we went or what we did, we both always came back. It was a loop, kind of. And I think you and I probably would have spent awhile in that loop.

So, I have had 4 months to think about things. And have I figured anything out or solved anything?
Yes, I have.

Have I gotten all my questions answered?
No, and I never will.

After 4 months of thinking, I have just come back to my suspicion from the beginning of all of this...

You will never fully get over losing someone that you cared about. Someone that you spent just about every day talking to and spending time with. Someone that you cried with and laughed with. Someone that you created memories with. It's never going to go away. Death is a horrible, sad thing to hear about. Even when it happens to someone you don't know. Because it's sad for a person to have to leave this world, and it's sad to think about how the people close to that person must have felt.

But losing someone that you are as close to as I was with Cody... that is going to leave a scar forever. You are never going to get over it, so you just have to learn how to accept it.

Have I learned?
Hell no, I have not. But to me, this is still very new. It's only been four months. Which is what... 120 days?
Yeah, something like that. And after spending roughly 2&1/2 years getting to know someone, 120 days without them is pure hell.

... This blog is not meant to inspire anyone, if you hadn't notice. This is merely for my emo, depressed, sad little child thoughts that I won't say outloud because I do not want people to have to deal with me whining right now.

I miss you Cody, and I wish this aching, sad feeling would go away.
Well... if we're wishing for things, I wish you could come home.

But that's it for tonight. I suppose these depressing things ^^^ are more than enough for now.

But hey, at least Bin Laden is dead.... woohoo! :)