Every single ounce of hurt that I feel always comes back to you.
Every single time someone screws me over or lies to me, your face pops into my head. and I'm sick of it. Life was so amazing.... summer 09.

Walking around our property with you and Marcus. everybody was laughing. everyone was joking. and now we can't go back to that. and because of the way you guys left, we are all forever scarred. I feel for Sonja now more than ever. I always knew she was in great pain and I always felt so bad. for her and the boys. Because although I had started to get to know Marcus really well those last few months, I still wasn't very close to him. yet, I was still in a lot of pain when he died, so I could only imagine how his immediate family felt. but they're all strong and they're all tough, and they are learning to deal with it just fine. But that night when i got that phone call, I got a small taste of what Sonja felt. and when I say small, i mean a speck. a grain of salt compared to an entire salt shaker, but still. I finally began to slightly understand it. and it hurt. so much.

and now every time something goes wrong, ANYTHING, i remember your face. Your blue eyes and your tattoos. your haircut. your arms. your scars. your voice. everything you said to me. that last conversation we had. the things i said to you and the things you said to me.... and it hurts.

and i remember the conversation we had had just a week before. talking about death. about things that could happened and that have happened. you gave me a list of reasons why you really hated the world sometimes and i gave you mine. they were all legit reasons as to why we SHOULD hate the world, but were they really bad enough that you could just leave ? for every reason you gave me, i could have found 3 reasons why you should have loved life.
were my family and i really not good enough to and for you ? we helped you out all the time. with a lot of stuff. we had your back even when you were a dick to me.

the worst part is that i let you change me. i let you turn me into one of those girls i always made fun of. i knew what you were doing, and i still stuck around. and i can't change that, no matter how much i try.

too many memories. too much takes me back. i hate this.

SCREW IT.

Alright, time to rant a little...

Turns out Cody isn't the only who can tell a decent lie and get away with it. Am I the most gullible person in the world or what ?

Time to learn. I've realized that I need to stop giving so much. I fully throw myself into these stupid situations, and I give and give, and I'm there when the other person truly doesn't deserve it. but I still do it. And I need to stop.

I seriously feel bad for the next person who tries to create some type of relationship with me. As my boston friend says, it's time to "be hard" .. because I'm sick of this. It's bullshit. All kinds of people are walking all over me, and it's time for that to stop.

Blahhh. Done ranting.

I'm fully aware that no one reads my blog, and that I'm just ranting to myself. OH WELL. Maybe that's the safest thing. I can only think of a handful of people that would actually care enough to want to creep on my blog, but I think only half of them are capable of finding it.

"emotionally damaged"

that's what i was called a few weeks ago. how true is it ?

i'd prefer the term "temporarily emotionally altered" but whatever.
i think i move too fast. from person to person and thing to thing.

but emotionally damaged ? i don't know. i know that there are people who go through way more than what i've been through.

but sometimes it still swallows me whole. and when it does that, i'm never prepared.
people say a lot of things to me. things that would most likely offend your average 18yro girl.
but the only thing that people can say that truly affects me/my emotions is something about him.

he screwed me up and over. completely. and yet, i still defend him ?
i never know how i feel anymore. i've always had trouble figuring out who i am, but now i really have no clue. and i'm not sure how to find myself.

blahh. i hate giving him this much credit. he doesn't deserve it.

anyway, update on life....

i've screwed up everything with rudy. go figure. we're still friends, but i don't know what i want (go figure) and he has a really hard time being JUST FRIENDS with me. doesn't like the idea much. and neither do i, but i don't really want to be in a relationship with him. which makes me feel awful. i've been in his shoes, i know his pain and i know i could stop it, but i also can't put myself back into the situation and be only 50% involved. it wouldn't be fair to him. so all around, this is a shitty situation. and i feel horrible, because for the first time i am actually putting myself before a guy. and for the first time, the guy is actually a good one. somebody who doesn't deserve this. rudy, i truly wish i could fix everything and make us both happy. but i'm really not sure how to do that right now. i'm so sorry for all of the pain i've caused you. you deserve someone better than i. fersure. i do love you though, i just need to sort out my head. i know you'll never ever read this, but i just feel the need to put it out there. i know i'm way too stubborn, way too jealous, way too much of a bitch sometimes, way too harsh, way too unfair, etc. i can't help it. i'm discovering that the wall i have put up is a permanent one for now. at least until i start learning about myself. who i am and what i want.

been working a lot. don't have too many days off in fact. the only time i'm really home now is to sleep. then get up and go to work, then come home and sleep. haven't spent much time with the family and i rarely get to eat dinner with them anymore. so it kinda pisses me off when i have a day off and nobody wants to really do anything with me.

the only person i really know here is gone. his name is cody, coincidentally enough, and he went back to college. four hours away.

i really don't know what else to say. i hate cody for what hes done to me. hes been gone for almost 8 months and he is still constantly effecting what i do. what i say. what i screw up. everything. ugh. it still hurts i guess. just wounds that haven't yet healed.

peace..

Hmmm. Been almost a month since I've posted on here. Awesome.

This will actually probably be the last post. Maybe not, but most likely. I just reread a couple of the posts and I realized how extremely repetitive I am. It's pretty annoying, actually...

I've never been too sure of what I believe. To this day, I still am not. I remember thinking at some point that there actually MIGHT BE a god and a heaven and a hell. And then after all of the family deaths right on top of each other, I decided that there was no way in hell that all of that stuff existed. Now I'm just whatever about it all.

But if for some reason there IS a heaven+hell, and the people who have died can actually hear us.. then there's something I'd like to say...

Thank you Cody. For showing me how I don't deserve to be treated, and for sending me my heart back to give to someone who truly deserves it..

Crazy random...

I miss him. I've been trying so hard to remember what it felt like to hug him, or touch his skin. I can't. It's been over five months since I've gotten to hug him. Or kiss him or touch him or dance with him or ride around with him. Anything and everything. It's been way too damn long. Ugh..

Not much to say really. Been a shitty day so far, and it's only 2:01. Ready to get out of this town though, that's for sure. I like it better than PC, but it's getting old quick. I leave in a little under two weeks now, so it's okay.

I've met some pretty awesome people up here. My 7 year old next door neighbor, he's adorable. And the people I work with.. they're pretty awesome too. I love them. Except for one huge douchebag, but who cares. Two more weeks and then I won't ever have to see or worry about him again, and I'm good with that.

There are a few things I'll miss when I leave here though. Gotta spend a week at home before I can move into the new place, and I'm slightly on edge about that. Too many damn memories at that place. Not just at my house, but all over town. I'm sure it'll be okay though....

I miss him. It's been a little over 5 months, yet somehow it still feels unreal sometimes..
No matter what happens or who I get close to or what I do.. I still miss him.

I'll be 18 in less than a month. He should be here for that. He was here for my 17th, and my 16th even though we were only friends then. Blah. He should have been here for graduation too though. And the birth of Brookes baby. And to see Daniel get his learners. He missed/is missing/is going to miss so much. It's still so crazy to me how someone can just be here on a Wednesday morning. Walking, talking, laughing, breathing, eating, moving, annoying the hell out of people, running their mouth, etc. And then Wednesday night, they're just gone. Forever.

I don't really know what else to say. It just seems like everytime I cry, no matter what the reason, I always find myself crying for Cody. Ugh. I miss last year.