o_O

I seriously hope Marcus and Michael are kicking your ass around right now.
I woke up very mad at you yesterday.

I miss you though, I really did. I hate that it still keeps hitting me over and over, the realization that you are gone.
I'm going okay though. Your ring is still on my finger. Your name is still imprinted pretty deeply on my heart.
I can't believe time is going by so fast though. Your boy Daniel is going to be 16 in a month. Then I graduate in May. I'll
be done with high school. Finally. And then my birthday is in July. I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon.
I truly hate that you're missing all of this..

I miss you. Talking about you is really hard. Not talking about you is really hard.
I can't look at your picture without crying, but I still want to see them all.
I suppose it's gotten easier though. I've spent a lot of time talking to a really good friend of mine lately. Makes me feel better.

You did some dumbass things, but I know that you loved me. I was just looking at all of our pictures. The way you were looking at me and smiling and all of that...
I could just tell. What Veronica and Mom said was right. (Of course :P)

It still hurts just as bad though. But someone told me that it will always hurt like this, but it will just get easier to handle. And
that person is very very intelligent, so I believe her.

I won't ever forget. I remember every single time you came to me crying, or vice versa. I remember the first time I kissed you. The first time I hugged you. The night you asked me out and I FINALLY said yes. I remember the first time I ever rode with you. I remember the first fight we ever had. I remember what it was over, what we said, and you storming off, then coming back 5 seconds later and kissing me. I remember swinging on the swings with you, drinking amp and eating combos. I remember yelling at you to slow down. I remember refusing to go into Sagebrush because you wouldn't throw the dip away. I remember you carving our names into the table and saying "There. I put your name, and I used Marcus' keys... the two most important people in the world to me." I remember me throwing a french fry at the waiter because he was a jerk. It may have missed but it was closer than yours, haha.
I remember that no matter what we were doing, we always stopped and got ice cream before we went home. I remember helping you move. Me sitting there folding your hoodies all nice and neat, and then you just picked them all up and tossed them in the truck. I was pissed. :P
I remember going down the road last summer with the windows down, music blasting, singing and laughing. I remember you trying to sleep and Ellie kept jumping on your head. I remember you calling me shy the first time I ever talked to you, and then I smacked your butt at Mike's. You turned around and said to JJ "Did you see that?! She just smacked my ass!!!! O_O!!!!!!!!!" and I was just laughing. I had only known you for a little while at that point... it was hilarious.
I remember you boys making the dog house and you wouldn't stop coming over to talk to me, so Marcus fussed at you a lot. Then he threatened to hit you with the hammer if you didn't stop hitting on me :P

I wish you could be here. You and I made lots of plans, and I honestly thought we would go through with them. I still have the 4 voicemails you left me the night before. I still have all the stuff you gave me. Valentines day cards and gifts. Birthday cards and gifts. Xmas gifts. The random things you bought me. Movie tickets. Quarters. That stupid horrible awful movie you got me :P Stuffed animals, roses, etc.

19 years old is way too young to go. The love I had for you a year ago is still there. It only grew stronger every time you said my name, smiled at me, and touched my skin.
I miss you so much Cody James Humble. I would have married you. Whether I should have or not.

I love you baby.

Grrr.

It's odd...

I know of so many things that you did to me now. For two straight months, and who knows how much longer...

But I can't stay mad at you. I really just miss you kid...
Things were good for a long time, and I think that's why I can't stay mad...
Because I keep remembering all the good things. The talks you and I had with Marcus so early in the morning. You, me, Daniel and Jeremy squishing into the truck on your moms birthday.
Your key artwork on that Sagebrush table. Picking on Daniel so bad. Cooking together. Naps. Prom. My moms birthday. Sneaking out on mothers day to come see me, even though your Mom said she had dibs for the whole day :P
Your laugh, your smile, your walk, your dance.

That look you gave me when you knew you f_cked up, and the look you gave me when you were trying to be serious for me, even though you wanted to be goofy.
You trying to lie, and not keeping a straight face.
Dying Daniels hair and Faiths tail and my nose, then almost falling asleep with the dye in.
Magic erasers. The bookstore. Refrigerators. You correcting my math and then laughing for about a week about it. Shopping. Playing with the baby stuff in Target. Spitting. Me owing you a quarter every time I cussed. Thanksgiving and Christmas 2009. Shaving cream fight. My birthday weekend. The millions of times we went into Walmart for no reason. Hours and hours spent sitting in the truck talking. About us. family. life. You hurting your foot and laughing so hard, then walking around Walmart on it and driving me home with it. And I thought you were being dramatic. Then you went and they told you it was broken :P
And everything else...
I miss all that stuff.

I get realllllllyyyyyy mad. But then I realize that the Cody I was with Jan 2010 to November 2010 wasn't the same Cody I was with until Jan 2011..
But whatever. This post has no point I suppose. I thought I had finally come to terms with the fact that you are actually gone. I still see your smile when I close my eyes..... bright as ever.

I miss you Cody James Humble....
I love you.


LIVE FREE♡

i could really use a wish right now...

I remember this. Before things got bad. Everything was fine. Better than fine. Everything was great. You called me on your lunch break. Asked how my day was. I was in a horrible mood. I told you I missed you. You said you missed me too, and you'd call after you got off.
Then you called me back 4 minutes later and started "coughing" really loudly and dramatically. I asked what you were doing. You said you thought you were coming down with something, and you think you should probably leave work. Then you hung up to talk to Jer. 20 minutes later, you were standing right beside me at Nancys candy place. Everything was great. You were so sweet. I remember handing you Brody and you held him for about 10 minutes. Then Mandy took him and a few minutes later, I handed you Jacob. You looked at me with the most serious look and said "Is this the one I was holding before?" I remember the first time you held Brody, which was also the first time you EVER held a baby. You were TERRIFIED, then you just looked at me with this huge smile, feeling all proud of yourself. And then we had to talk about it for two days after that.....

god i HATE this ! everytime i think it's ok, it IS NOT.

you were HAPPY with me. with my family. i know that !
why the hell couldn't you rise above it ?? we all thought you could !
it shouldn't be like this. you weren't even 20 yet ! i remembering hearing you talk about turning 21.... being sooo excited ! how could you do this to us?!?

i did everything i could for you. i took care of you as good as i knew how to. i was there for you and nice to you PLENTY of times when i should have turned my back and walked on. but i know you loved me and i know you cared....
so i don't know how you could do this.

i need you here so bad. i can do it on my own but i don't want to have to. i need you to come back and be next to me.. i am so f_cking scared. and lost. it's been almost two months and the pain still comes... stronger and stronger every day.

i don't care how dramatic i sound..... screw it.

oh my god i wish you could come home. i wish so hard every day and i know it'll never happen.
you made me feel full. complete. whole. happy. content. you made me feel smart. you made me feel like i was gonna do something with my life. you made me proud to be me. you made me excited about life. you made me strong. you made me feel like i was doing something good for somebody other than myself. you made me feel like i could do anything. you put me on top of the damn world.

and then you took it all back, took my heart, and left..
i don't even know what to do anymore. i'm sick of it... i miss you so..
-LIVE FREE ♡