f_cking f_ck.

Had the most horrible dream ever last night.

It was a flashback.. back to all the times you disappeared and stuff.
But at the same time, January 12th had already happened. Not the date, but the events that occurred.
And you had a sister in the dream. And I had a kid. And I called you for the millionth time
and told you to come see the kid You never showed up, but you called and fed me some BS
excuse about how your sister had brought you back into this world and you needed to spend
the day with her because you owed her so much now. I started bawling my eyes out and then I woke up.

I hated it. I've been so sad all day because of it. I miss you Cody.
I miss all of the emotions you made me feel. I miss shopping for halloween costumes with you.
And you couldn't decide so you gave me money to buy it and went back to work.
See... back then it wasn't really wasn't a big deal. Just another random trip to walmart. but now that I think
back on it, it was a huge deal.
I spent so much time with you in 2010.
I don't even know what to say today..
I'm just sick of life right now. I miss you so much it hurts...
Really freaking bad.

Rest in Peace Cody.....
I will never love anyone like I loved you.

It's crazy....

It has been almost 3 months now. It will be 3 months on Tuesday. Time is passing by so quickly that I want to cry. Each day that passes is one day farther away from you and Marcus and Mike and all of the happy times our entire family had together. The last Christmas everyone spent together was nice. I remember Marcus backing our van up because I didn't want to drive on the ice. He couldn't work it so well, he flipped the windshield wipers on twice in a row, and he laughed so hard. I remember him hugging me a lot that night. And him and I corned Cody that night, trying to make him be Santa. He agreed to do it, and Daniel took pictures for blackmail. Everybody was laughing and smiling that night. It seems like so long ago, but it was only a year and 4 months ago I guess. If only we had known...

I know that death is just a part of life, but still..
I don't think that anybody ever really fully gets over losing someone they truly cared about, no matter how much bullshit you and that person went through.

Cody James Humble...
In a way it feels like it has been forever since I've seen you, but in an even bigger way it feels like it was just yesterday that I was sitting on the steps at Grandmas, while you sat in the living room talking to Leith and staring at me, trying to get me to come in there. It's been almost two years since that though.
I wish I could have understand. I wish I could understand now..
But I know I never will. Nobody will. Nobody will ever get the answers they are looking for.
Through all of the dumbassery you pulled, all of the things you said, all of the negative things you made me feel, all of the times you left me hanging, all the crappy things you ever said to me....

I still can't hate you. I don't think I'll ever be able to hate you. And honestly, I sometimes wish I did. I sometimes wish that I could stop missing you for 5 minutes, so I could just breathe and focus on something different. Why should I spend so much time caring ? You clearly didn't care about ANY of us. At least not enough anyway...

I got a haircut and I like it. I know exactly what you would say though... "It's too short, go put it back on" lol.
I also got a job. Working at a Country Club. And I went out driving the other day.. it was a little nerve-wracking at first, but I didn't break anything.

Nothing is the same anymore, and it kinda sucks. I just want to go back to August of 2009, before anything had happened. Before Marcus left, before the family got hurt, before you and I got together. If I had known everything that was going to happen, I'm sure I still would have done everything the same way. I don't really know... there was something about you..
Maybe it was how your blue eyes got so bright and shiny whenever you were happy. Not stoned, but happy, lol. Or your little chipmunk smile that you always flashed. Or the hugs you gave me when I was pissed off. Or the way you loved to sing and really just could not do it. Or the way you would sigh REALLY REALLY big whenever you wanted attention. Or you pouting because I was complaining about something.
Whatever...

Moving forward is much harder than I ever thought it would be. I was always afraid of losing you, but I was afraid of losing you to someone else. I never thought that it would have ended up this way..

You used to always complain about those people, and now I know.
I'm sorry, you deserved much better people than they are or will ever be.

The only reason I really logged in is because I've been feeling sad again lately. I had a terrible dream the other night. I guess it was from your point of view ? I don't know...
I just know that you were sitting in the truck looking at me. We were both crying and I got up and left and you got really mad and left. And then you were in the sky walking around on a cloud. I don't know, I think it was Heaven...
anyway, Marcus was on the cloud with Mike and they were laughing and drinking, and you walked up to Marcus and said "hey MARCUS!" and he turned around. When he saw you he stopped smiling and he just started crying... he was mad at you for coming up to heaven and leaving everything. I woke up and felt like crying. It was the weirdest dream I have ever had and it was freakin horrible.

It HAS gotten easier, but it still sucks significantly.
Life is irritating lately, I'm not sure why. I haven't felt good and I've been tired. I have to go back for easter. I'm nervous.. don't know why. I don't really feel like I know where home is anymore. Nothing feels like home. Thanks for that Cody.

If there IS a heaven/hell and you're all watching over us right now, I hope you feel a little bit guilty. A lot guilty, in fact..
You should have let me stay mad. Coming back to make up made things worse....

Ugh...

Your friends have been, are, and will always be..... stupid.

I'm starting to forget. I woke up in the middle of the night last night in a mad panic because I couldn't remember your phone number.
It took a few minutes to remember it..

I can't believe you're gone. It doesn't hurt as bad anymore (unless I actually sit down and think about it) but I still can't believe that I see your name after a "R.I.P."
I miss you. The old you. The one that I watched build that huge doghouse with my brother and Marcus.
I don't know. I just wish I could go back in time. Back before Marcus passed away. I'd bring all of you back and you would have be in perfect health.

I shouldn't have tried to fix a problem so much bigger than anything else.
All it did was get me into way too much trouble.
And yet....
I still miss you so much
blahh.